Stratum Tales
by micah.n10
Summary: CH.9 Distinctly unpleased, Kakashi glared at the thing in his outstretched hand. Humor. PG. KakaIru. YAOI. One-shots inspired by the 100 Themes list.
1. Cloud Nine

_Disclaimer: I do not own, nor do I make any money from Naruto. All characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto._

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**Theme:**__ 03. Light  
__**Note:**__ Beta'd by Kita. _

_**Summary:**__ He felt weightless, his mind a foggy vagueness caused by an incredible high.  
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**Cloud Nine  
**General. Humour. G.  
Kakashi x Iruka

-o-

Iruka stood in a stranger's bathroom, using a stranger's toothbrush to brush his teeth. He was humming quietly—_brush up and down and all around_—and his own debauched reflection was staring back at him. With a cheeky grin he stuck out his tongue and resumed scrubbing.

He couldn't explain the mood he was in or the feeling that seemed to set his every nerve alight. It had to be what people meant when they referred to clouds. _On a cloud, head in the clouds, cloud nine…_ a foggy vagueness caused by an incredible high.

He spat into the basin, turned on the tap and rinsed his mouth.

His entire body felt warm, almost as though he would combust at any moment, and yet there was a numbness thrumming through him; disbelief, incredibility and uncertainty all warring beneath his skin.

_Cloud nine…_ he mused. It sounded nice, it _felt_ nice.

Absently Iruka stretched across the towel rack and grabbed up a facecloth. He dabbed the toothpaste from his mouth and chin, gaze lingering on his own image before gradually slipping to the reflected open doorway.

If people felt good when they were on cloud nine, then he was on cloud _ten_. He wasn't just good, this whole ordeal wasn't just nice… in all his eighteen years he'd never felt so completely _featherbrained_. He wasn't sure what this was, a one-time thing or something more, but standing there half-naked whilst once again staring at his own reflection, he wasn't sure he particularly cared.

Cloud nine, cloud ten—sweet Kami, so long as _he_ did that thing with his tongue again Iruka felt fairly confident he wouldn't care about _anything_ else _ever_ again. Except maybe for that thing he did with his _hips_.

_Oh…_ Iruka bit his lip to stop the whimper. He'd be limping for days after this, no doubt leaving a great impression amongst the other sensei during his first week as a student-teacher.

"What are you thinking about?" Two lithe arms wrapped around his torso and tugged him back against the speaker's muscular chest.

Iruka blushed. "The academy."

There was a silent pause, one stormy grey eye regarding his reflection in the mirror. "Kinky."

"Pervert."

A hum of assent. "Come back to bed."

"I have classes tomorrow." Iruka's stomach fluttered.

If this was supposed to be a one-night stand, shouldn't the man be making up some excuse to be rid of him by now? He was an expert at excuses after all. Granted, not the most believable ones, even as ingenious as they were, but still. Wasn't the general consensus for a one-night stand that it only last… _one_ night?

"Call in sick," a mouth latched onto his bare shoulder.

"I—I," Iruka groaned. "You already marked the other side," he breathlessly complained.

"Mm…"

"It'll bruise…"

"Good," the mouth slowly began moving up, along his neck and down his jaw.

"…classes." Iruka made one final token protest, his fingers tangling in the others mussed silver hair.

He felt his body tugged more firmly back against the warm chest behind him, before being slowly turned and nudged towards the bedroom.

"Tell them you got lost on the path of life."

Iruka turned himself in the other's arms, a needy sound making its way from his throat. "Okay."

Forget cloud nine, ten, or whatever; he was already in heaven.


	2. Over The Rainbow

_Disclaimer: I do not own, nor do I make any money from Naruto. All characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto._

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**Theme:**__ 18. Rainbow  
**Note:**__ Beta'd by Kita. Scarecrow jibe now added, thanks to a horrible oversight being pointed out by fieryredqueen._

_**Summary:**__ Having been ambushed and trampled for the umpteenth time, Iruka decides he did not sign up for this._

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**Over the Rainbow  
**General. Humour. PG +13.  
Kakashi x Iruka

_Somewhere over the rainbow, where chuunin are trampled and fangirls despised…_

-o-_  
_

Iruka groaned, squinting up at the painfully bright sky. He was dying, he was sure he was dying. If he wasn't, he wished he was. Why did a concussion have to hurt _so damn much?_ Why did _he_ have to play decoy? His friends were jounin—jounin!—why couldn't one of them be decoy for once?

"Nng… it hurts." He whimpered.

His head was pounding, and the faint ringing in his ears was not helping at all. Why, why hadn't they found a way to block out the sun yet? It was always so bright and hot and… there was that whole radiation thing. Surely they could just switch it off for a little while?

"…ow."

"Ruki-kuns!" Four shadows blocked out the painful radiance of the sun. Backlit, they were simply darkened shapes that he couldn't quite bring into focus. "You've been out cold for an hour, we were worried."

"Worried enough to leave me to be _trampled_," Iruka groused.

"Of course!"

With a groan he dragged his gaze from the annoying purple blur to the other three. There expressions—if those were lips and eyes and not the splotchy effect of some stampede-incurred aneurism—ranged from concerned to amusement to… _orange_?

He blinked, attempting to clear his vision.

_Orange… orange… are those… little people? Is that…?_ A growl bubbled at the back of his throat. _ That… that unmitigated, ungrateful… bastard!_

Flexing his fingers experimentally, Iruka quickly forgot his Icha Icha-related ire and frowned at the feeling of damp gravel beneath him. "…and in an alleyway, you assholes."

"That's not our fault!" The purple—_oh, no, wait… that was Anko_—accused. "Talk to mister Mysterious and Hunky over there."

"You are _all_ assholes for leaving me here." Iruka hissed, raising a shaky hand to rub his temple. "How long was I out for? No, never mind," he dropped his arm back to his side and closed his eyes. "I don't want to know."

"Think you can sit up?"

Iruka cracked open an eye to catch a senbon twitching close to his face. "Uh, yeah." He nodded, eyeing each of his friends in turn. "You know, I had the weirdest dream." He took Genma's proffered hand. "You were there and you were there… and you, and you. Tsunade was wearing a cape…"

A snort and a murmured _'kinky'_ emerged from behind the orange abomination.

"If only you had a brain," Kurenai sighed.

Iruka _glared_. "There was a little silvery-haired dog too, annoying thing. I fed him to the lions, tigers and bears."

"Oh, my." The red-eyed kunoichi giggled as she stepped back to make room, dragging Anko with her.

"Whatever you say, Dorothy." Genma smirked and tugged him up.

Iruka's glare transferred to the tokubetsu jounin and intensified. He held the unamused expression for several _painfully_ long seconds before it shifted into a grimace. One hand came up to cradle his spinning head, and he had to rest the other one on Genma's shoulder for support when the world tipped sideways for a second.

"Ow…"

"Cheer up!" Anko clapped him on the back, completely ignoring his grunt of pain. "Gai's in hiding and we managed to ditch lover-boy's fangirls four blocks over near the Uchiha compound. You should have seen duck-butts face…" She cackled.

"Anko-chan…?" Iruka took a deep breath in, and then slowly released it. Pushing away from Genma, he turned on the kunoichi. "Just… _shut up_. I swear, I've had it with you three."

"Hey," the snake summoner protested. "What about Kurenai-chan?"

"Well unlike _some_ of my friends, Kurenai-sempai is actually _nice_. I _like_ her." He sniffed dramatically, then quickly scowled. "The next time you and Gai—whom I _will _find and punish—decide to challenge my _doofus_ of a partner, don't make him remove his mask. And you...!" He marched over to his _concerned_ lover, yanked the porn from his hands and waved it furiously in Kakashi's face.

"Stop abandoning me to the clutches of your thrice damned hentai fangirls. Be a man and tell them you're gay!"

"But… they're my fans." The bastard replied, wide-eye and scandalized. "You can't just snuff out all their ambitions like that. It's inhumane."

"Plus, they're a buncha crazy bitches." Anko added.

"Says the craziest bitch of them all," Genma muttered before finishing. "They'd probably kill him."

"_I'll_ kill him." Iruka ground out. "…and, you two _stop_ _helping_ him."

"You won't. You love me." Kakashi smugly reasoned, his now narrowed gaze never once veering from his stolen porn—which was, admittedly, being brandished about rather violently.

"You're right." Iruka paused. "And that means I know exactly how to make you squeal like a stuck pig. I am _not_ playing the whipping boy for you any longer." He tucked the orange aberration under his arm, turned and stormed off, fully expecting his lover to follow.

Kakashi did, shoulders hunched and hands in pockets.

"And for Kami's sake," Iruka spun back around, exasperated. "Stop taking your mask off in fucking public. We all know you're a sexy bastard, you don't have to prove it!"


	3. Appreciation

_Kakashi x Iruka stories/drabbles inspired by the 100 Themes list. Genre and rating will vary.  
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_Disclaimer: I do not own, nor do I make any money from Naruto. Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto._

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_**Summery:** Everyone's been saying it. Over and over again, they've all repeated themselves, even turning it into a game. But just how true is it? Iruka's trying to find out._

_Inspired by 100 theme challenge #75 mirror. Crack side-story to my Shinobi Grape Juice series. I'm suffering the dreaded writers block, so as a bit of fun, I decided to see what would happen if Iruka __didn't get mad. Mass amounts of huggles to kakairupowns who beta'd this for me._

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**Appreciation  
Humor. Romance. PG.**  
_kakashi x iruka_

Contorting himself for possibly the fifth time in several minutes, Iruka had to concede that they (superiors, comrades, students and civilians alike) were right. There was in fact nothing he could do or say to discredit them. It was all in the evidence, the hundreds of repetitive opinions, the blatant and unrepentant stares he had received over the course of a month.

He'd tried for a while to ignore them, to argue with them, to continue on with some semblance of normality. But, in the end his actions had proven futile. He had to face facts. He had to admit it, and more importantly, he could no longer lie to himself because the truth was simple.

He, Umino Iruka, indeed had a sweet ass.

It's pertness was undeniable, and the mirror reflected this statement acutely. He turned again to take in each angle, hand ever so slowly smoothing over either mound in turn. It was, in the words of his astute lover, perfectly pound-able. A delicate feast of tight, firm and squeezable flesh just ready for the taking.

_Oh hell._ Iruka crooked his finger, it's tip dipping into the cleft. _If I wasn't, well, me, I'd attempt some kind of public groping and possibly a few lurid words too._ Was it really any wonder people kept staring and commenting? The thing was just there, edible in all it's derrière glory.

Maybe… maybe instead of seeking revenge on those poorly deprived souls who could only watch his ass from a distance, he'd take a photograph and send it to each of them? At least that way they would have their own copy and wouldn't need to involve his students in their quest to get closer? Of course, Kakashi would, in all likelihood, kill anyone found with such a picture, maybe even mangle the ones who'd simply heard about it. He _was _rather protective. But still…

Iruka bit his lip, watching sidelong in the mirror as his finger slipped deeper. Perhaps he'd just been too-

"…oh gods…" A whimper successfully brought an end to his inner musings (and outer exploits.)

Kakashi stood in the bathroom doorway, jounin vest unzipped, leg bindings half unraveled, an obvious tent in his pants. If his eyes were anything to go by, the confines were fast becoming uncomfortable.

"Hey," Iruka blushed. Though, to be fair, he had been blushing the minute he stood before the mirror and began scrutinizing. Only now, the blush intensified and spread to his ears and down his neck. "Um…"

Iruka watched as the jounin stepped into the room and yanked his mask down in order to breathe, each lungful a little harsher then the last. It wasn't a surprise really; he'd found over the last half-year that Kakashi was a voyeur, in the greatest sense of the word. He called it Dolphin Watching, and would watch Iruka do anything. Even laundry could turn the man on. Kakashi had probably suffered near heart failure upon walking in on him in front of the mirror.

"If you say 'it's not how it looks…'" the jounin murmured, bringing Iruka's attention back to the matter at hand, "I am going to strap you down and perform wickedly sinful acts upon your person. Acts with which you will have no say…" Kakashi's eye took on a sinister gleam. "Including page 53, paragraph 6."

Iruka made an attempt to protest, huffing as he was soundly ignored.

"So, could you please continue this…" the jounin waved his hand about in a oblique manner, "…whatever it is your doing, in the bedroom where I can watch and preferably partake?"

"Minus the threat of a stethoscope, honey and paddle pop sticks?"

"Maybe…"

Iruka snorted. "Pervert."

"Says the man fingering himself in front of a mirror."

Kakashi had a point there, Iruka conceded. Not that he verbalized his defeat; it wouldn't do to encourage the incorrigible. No, instead Iruka opted to watch as the older man stepped back and begun shrugging off his vest, continuing with the removal of his shirt.

"Also," Kakashi glanced up, amused. "I'm revoking your right to any and all hentai accusations from now on_, Iruka-pervert-sensei._"

"Hey now…!" Iruka's mouth fell open. Initial response mechanisms were demanding he say the previously predicted, 'it's not how it looks'. That, however, wasn't really an option, because it _was_ how it looked. Oh, it had all started with idle curiosity, but the whole process had somehow plummeted quickly into a session of self-gratification. The 'somehow' being his very fine ass.

So, yes, it was how it looked. Even though it wasn't.

He mentally shook himself back on track and pouted. "I was just _admiring_…" he whined.

"Yes, well…" Iruka watched as Kakashi shirked off his trousers, forgetting the bindings not completely unwrapped, and inevitably spending a rather ungraceful moment bouncing around. Gauzy strips and tangled pants caused the infallible copy-nin to stumble into a wall.

To Iruka's amusement, Kakashi had never been one to linger on his own moments of inelegance. Especially when there was a naked, perfectly toned man standing patiently before him. So, politely ignoring the wall that had jumped out and attacked him, the jounin continued,

"…how about you continue in the bedroom, so I can admire it too."

All too willing to comply, Iruka strode forward, passing his lover along the way to their bedroom. He paused momentarily and raked his nails over the man's taut abdomen. Then, before any retaliation could be had, he covered the gap between bathroom and bed.

"You could worship it." Iruka offered as he crawled across the mattress, ass wiggling oh-so-temptingly in the air.

"Oh sweet Kami-sama." He heard rather than saw Kakashi's hands clap together in prayer. "Thank you for this meal I am about to receive…"

Taking the opportunity to ask while he had it, Iruka chimed in. "How do you feel about photos?"

Kakashi paused. "Why…?"

"Well, I was thinking, with everything that's been going on, it might be nice to send… everyone…" the sentence died as Iruka began to worry at his bottom lip.

The jounin behind him hadn't moved any closer, and in fact he seemed to have taken a step away. Not to mention the aura of dread that had begun spreading throughout the room. Kakashi probably knew where he was going, being a genius and all. So, maybe… Iruka quickly came to the decision to ask Anko and Genma for their help later, before changing topics altogether. The less Kakashi knew, the safer his friends would be.

"You know…" Iruka called over his shoulder in a thick drawl. "If you wanted to bring the mirror in here, we could-"

Anything else he might have said was cut off as Kakashi suddenly pounced.

Over the sound of his own surprised yelp, and the following joyous laughter, Iruka heard the older nin's childishly enamored, "I love you Iruka-pervert-sensei!" Then he promptly forgot everything, as deft hands continued where his own had left off.


	4. Seeking Solace

_**Summery:** This was why Anko needed her friends - not that she would ever admit it._

_Inspired by the 100 Theme Challenge #5 (seeking solace). Beta'd by kakairupowns._

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**Seeking Solace  
Friendship. Comfort. G.**  
_iruka x anko (platonic)_

Anko chewed absently on her dango while sitting peacefully under a sakura tree. The quaint little park they had chosen for today's meeting was completely bordered by springtime flora, pinks and greens all lined up to shelter picnicking patrons. A gentle breeze touched her cheeks, her hair dancing in unbound freedom and she lent back, a soft chuckle parting her lips.

"This is nice…" her fingers nimbly threaded through strands of chocolate silk, the chuunin in her lap blinking back the blinding rays of sunlight.

"It is."

"How come we don't do this more often?" She asked, taking another bite of dango.

"Because you're an old harpy who hates sentimentality?" Iruka replied. "And because missions don't usually get so…" he shrugged. Days like these only happened when the kunoichi came back from a mission gone sour. When she'd been hurt in ways no one would ever see. Days like these were serene and beautiful and tainted.

Anko tugged his hair playfully, then sighed, dropping her half eaten dango on the grass. "You're right. I don't like this… feeling." She frowned, the word like poison on her tongue. "I don't like being so helpless."

Iruka snuggled against her taut stomach, netting and bandages forming a barrier between him and warm skin. He casually snaked an arm around her waist and squeezed. "You're not helpless, Ko-chan."

"Don't call me that." She whispered, fingers lightly tracing the younger mans scar. During her academy days she'd made a small group of friends. More often than not they were called Kokomoru. Anko, Kotetsu, Izumo and Iruka. But those days were long gone. To remember them just… hurt. Ko-chan was a reminder of everything she had lost. Friends, family and innocents. Ko-chan made her wish that there hadn't been anyone to come home to. Not now, not then. Ko-chan was the frightening urge to be alone, because if there was no one else there she could pretend life had never been something more.

Ko-chan hurt and Anko was so very sick and tired of always hurting.

"You're meant to cheer me up, not start with the sappy, whimsical shit."

"Cheer you up?" Iruka pinched her buttocks, rolling away before she could get in a good punch. He sat several feet away, aware of the kunoichi's broken thoughts and decidedly tapped his chin. He smiled. "I've got it…"

"You're going to sing aren't you?" Anko deadpanned.

"Hey," Iruka feigned indignation. "You LOVE my singing."

"I love you. You're singing leaves something to be desired…" her nose wrinkled.

"You wound me," Iruka grinned mischievously, then cleared his throat. "_Teru-teru-bozu, teru bozu _/ _Do make tomorrow a sunny day / Like the sky in a dream sometime / If it's sunny I'll give you a golden bell…"_

Anko launched herself at the yowling chuunin. "Oh gods, you're DESTROYING it! Stop! Iruka, plea-GUH!" She cracked up laughing as he fought back, pinning her to the grass.

"_Teru-teru-bozu, teru bozu / Do make tomorrow a sunny day / If you make my wish come true /_ _We'll drink lots of sweet booze…"_

Staring up between her bangs she fought to hide the smile threatening to break free. Iruka had perched himself on her stomach, careful not to apply weight to her healing injuries. "My ears are bleeding you little bitch - get off of me!" Anko bucked.

"No way, Anko-nee-chan!" Iruka lent forward, tacking her wrists above her head. "_Teru-teru-bozu, teru bozu / Do make tomorrow a sunny day-"_

"It's not even a _happy_ song," she continued half-heartedly to struggle.

"But it is your _favourite_," Iruka pecked her cheek, laughing at the outrageous roar he received in return. "_…but if it's cloudy and I find you crying_… sing with me now!" He let go of her wrist to wave his hands in the air. Frayed ponytail swaying.

"_Then I shall snip your head off!"_ They both finished, Anko's contribution a notable snarl as she flipped their positions. "You're an asshole," she folded her arms and glared. "That was my favourite song and you just mutilated it!"

Iruka practically beamed back up at her, hands pillowed under his head as he automatically replied, "And you're a fag-hag." He closed his eyes, content in the moment. "A _smiling _fag-hag."

Anko growled, the corners of her lips curling. This was why she had friends.

"Fuck you." She said climbing to her feet. Without pause she turned from their little picnic and strode away. One final, "I'm telling Kakashi you had your paws all over me!" and then she was gone.

Smiling softly to himself Iruka whispered. "… you're welcome."


	5. Introduction

_**Summery:** One was the embodiment of perfection, while the other the embodiment of annoyance. Welcome to IIA._

_Inspired by 100 Theme Challenge #1 - Introductions. Iruka's description is partly inspired by Sidoro. Beta'd by kakairupowns.  
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**Introduction  
General. Humor. G.**  
_kakashi x iruka and various others_

He was the embodiment of perfection. Everything about him made them stand still and hold their breath. His cinnamon-chocolate hair, unbound from it's usual perky hold, loose and unkempt. His kind eyes as they shone with a glimmer of mischief no one else would ever understand. His lean torso, just this side of feminine, yet still somehow remaining completely masculine.

And everything he was, was complimented by the perfect outfit.

Pink button-up, pin-striped dress shirt, untucked with folded cuffs. A black vest and a short black tie. Long black slacks and a black leather belt, a leaf emblem engraved on its silver buckle. And his dress shoes were a mix of both black and white.

Whether intentional or subconscious, everything he wore served only one purpose… to further accentuate his lithe form. Even his thinly framed horn-rimmed glasses, which were currently perched atop his head, displayed his young face beautifully.

Voiceless excitement filtered through the crowd as he drew them in, each one moving to take their seats, their eyes unable to leave the sight that was simply _him_. He flushed under their attention, caramel skin taking on a rosy-hue which perfectly highlighted the scar traversing his nose and cheeks. It was the perfect imperfection.

"Um, hello." The sweet nervousness to his voice held each presence raptly. "So, I guess we should start by introducing ourselves. I'm sure most of you know each other, but still, it just seems polite, ne?" He smiled, biting his lip in an innocently indecent way.

"I'll… well I'll start the ball rolling." Here he stood up, all grace and perfection as he tucked a strand of hair behind an ear and acted as would be expected of others. "My name is Umino Iruka, some of you may know me better as Iruka-sensei, and you may call me that if it's more comfortable. Otherwise Iruka-sama is fine."

The room erupted into fits of laughter and incredulous stares as he grinned triumphant. Ice broken, atmosphere finally comfortable, he held up a hand warding off those still confused.

"Kidding, kidding. _Iruka _is fine. I'll be IIA's acting forerunner until Tsunade-sama finds someone with better credentials, so if you have any problems at all please don't hesitate to contact me either here or at the mission room. You can leave a message for me at the academy, but I'll have to ask you to refrain from interrupting classes."

Sitting back down, Iruka gave the person on his right a warm smile. "Okay, your turn."

"Oh, uh…" The honey-blond tokubetsu jounin slowly stood, toothpick twitching between his lips. "Shiranui Genma…"

One by one each person followed, the group of thirty or so shinobi taking their time to laugh and welcome the next. All smiling sheepishly as they received that much wanted nod of approval from Iruka, blushing when he spoke encouragingly towards them.

Even as the hour wore on the younger man's finely honed patience shone through. Unwavering; a sensei to the last. And that was where they were, at the last.

Iruka's smile broadened, his sable lashes fluttering, beckoning the older shinobi to forgo his defiance and take part. "And you…?" His head tilted, the tip of his tongue peeking between soft palatable lips as he clamped down on a bubbling laughter. "Would you care to introduce yourself?"

One steely-grey eye rolled, the chair grating as he stood and gave a long suffering sigh.

_He_ was the embodiment of annoyance. All sinewy muscles and mussed silver hair. A hoody with nothing underneath and a pair of well worn jeans. "Yo. Hatake Kakashi." He gave a small salute, unable to hide the glare he directed towards his single obsession. "It's been…"

"Twenty-three," the brunette piped up gleefully.

Kakashi groaned. "...twenty-three days since I last read Icha Icha Paradise."

The room cheered. Kakashi's lover sending him a perfectly sweet kiss as Konoha's first Icha Icha Anonymous meeting finally got underway.


	6. The Fallen

_**Summery:** When we fall, we fall hard._

_Inspired by the 100 Theme Challenge #2 (love). Late-night crack. Unbeta'd._

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**The Fallen  
Humor. Romance. G.**  
_kakashi x iruka_

It was a bitterly cold day as Umino Iruka trudged through the streets of Konoha. Snow hadn't fallen in half a year, and their first downfall happened to be on the one day he HAD to see Kakashi. Well, he didn't need to see him, it wasn't life or death. It was… he sighed, his breath wisping over a shoulder as he walked on.

He'd made up his mind last night. He didn't care any more, he had to say it. If Kakashi wasn't willing to, then he would because it needed to be said. Especially now he knew the jounin knew - had known before even he did. That was just unfair.

"Stupid idiot jounin," he groused, pulling his coat tighter around his body. "Stubborn, idiotic, baka. Such a… such an ass!"

The chuunin paused mid-step. _Nice ass. Gack! No!_

"Dumbass-"

_Firm._

"No, no, no!" He growled. "Stupid-head-"

_Good head. Kami-sama does he give good hea- No!_

"Damnit!" Iruka stomped a little louder. _Be mad. Stay mad._ "Focus on the anger," he continued walking and muttering, unaware of the glances being sent his way. "Angry is good. He should've said something. Stay angry."

_Mmm, angry sex._

Iruka stilled. _Damnit._ "Damnit, damnit, damn it!"

Had ALL his senses been Hatake molested!? Was he that... in _love_?

The door to Kakashi's apartment swung open, jounin staring lazily. He was naked from the waist up, hair and chest still damp from the shower he'd been enjoying moments prior.

Iruka groaned. _Yes. Yes he was._


	7. Lost

_**Summery:** All Iruka wanted was to go home._

_AU. This story constitutes as a one-shot, however given it was solely inspired by the 100 Theme Challenge #12 (insanity), i'm posting it here. Unbeta'd._

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**Lost  
Angst. Romance. M.**  
_kakashi x iruka and tsunade._

It had been a month. His eyes were crusty, listless after weeks without use. Hair grimy, full of sweat and dirt. Muscles lax, sore from repeated escape attempts. It had been a month, but that was okay. Because he still had to try. He had to get back home, had to fulfil a promise, just had to. Kakashi was waiting.

He whispered to himself again. _Kakashi._ The mans name a mantra that never passed his lips. If they knew, if they knew who his precious person was, then he'd never escape. They'd use their love against them. They'd use him against Kakashi.

--

His eyes blinked in the blinding light. White walls, white tables, white linen. Everything was white, and cold, and sterile. The place smelt like a concoction of chemicals that did nothing to drown out the scent of piss and shit and blood and death. This was hell. This was his hell, over and over again every day, it was all that existed. The blindness, the cold, the stench and the pain.

There was nothing else.

--

"I'm sorry," the voice whispered. Another strap wrapped around his waist. He was shirtless, arms and legs bound in place, a mouth guard forced between his teeth. "…but it's for the best."

He highly doubted that.

--

_Kakashi._

He swallowed, gums aching, throat raw. At least he was warm. Warm and tired. He blinked, barely able to register the few silhouettes standing to his right.

A light shone in his eyes. "Umino-san? Umino-san can you hear me? Umino Iruka?"

Fuck. They knew his name. At least, it sounded like his name. But, he hadn't told anyone. He hadn't broken. He hadn't. He hadn't, please gods… he hadn't. He swallowed. He wasn't even sure if that was his name, couldn't remember enough of it to tell someone - which he hadn't. Gods… what if he had?

The voice faded, the shadows dark once more. The faint hum of a respirator, the rhythmic beep of a heart monitor all but echoed from the room beside his. He sighed. On the bright side… he wasn't that guy. Yet.

_Kakashi._

--

He was… unbound.

His heart leapt, a small smile forming on his lips before he could quell it.

His captors were morons.

Days had to have passed, maybe even a week since his last 'treatment' --a word they were quite fond of-- and his muscles were healing. He could swallow without gagging. He could open his eyes and see shapes, figures, enough to get him through the winding corridors and maybe, just maybe, out into the evergreen canopy above.

Systematically he flexed each muscle gauging just how much damage they had caused. Nothing extreme, and most could be put down to his last two escape attempts. He scowled. His chakra had been blocked. It was an expected setback, but expected did not mean he had to like it. They weren't the most intelligent of nin, but they weren't entirely incompetent either.

Maybe… he began to focus on the nearest heat source… if he played along this time he'd get further. Maybe it was a case of underestimation on both teams part. He knew they weren't canny like some missing-nin, he'd gotten lucky in that respect, but they were still quick to react.

Defence, not offence.

He cringed. A month of torture and he was talking in sports terms.

He mentally shook himself. He had to focus.

_Kakashi…_

Slowly he opened his eyes, a silent hiss escaping his lips. Why was everything so fucking bright? It burned, gods it burned. Fuck, fuck… Deep breath, take a deep breath. "I-" he choked on the words. His fingers spasming against the linen, his toes curling as he coughed.

He couldn't stop. Couldn't stop coughing. Couldn't breathe.

"…Iruka?" a weight shifted beside him.

Gods, it hurt. His lungs, his throat, his eyes, everything fucking hurt. Everything burned. He couldn't, kami, he couldn't do this. No more, no more, no, no, no…

--

His heart quickened. How long had it been this time? A day, a week, another month?

He barely had time to register the muffled footfalls before he heard the chime of glass, the cascade of water. His breath stopped. His mind reeling. How long had the next torture session been set up right beside him?

There was the sound of metal scraping metal.

No, no, no! He wouldn't, couldn't, be tortured again without at least seeing the sun. Without feeling its warmth shine upon him. Just this once. Just this once he wanted to be closer to home, closer to Konohagure, closer to Kakashi. He wanted… he needed… just this once to be free.

He braced his legs against the bed and lunged forward.

He struck out with the intent to kill, the too white walls keeping him half blind. Almost immediately his wrist was snapped back, his arm twisted above his head while the nurse-doctor-guard-_someone _straddled his waist and pinned him down.

He cried out, legs flaying.

One arm came free and he used it to grab a fistful of the nearest thing. Hair. He tugged at it and the man above growled - he tugged again. If he could jerk his body up, manoeuvre the man a little high, get a better grip he could-

His fingers were pried apart, a pair of lean legs wrapping themselves around his own.

"No!" he gave a frustrated cry. Words half choked, half sobbed. "Let me go. I haven't done anything. Please, please, don't do this… don't… please!"

"Iruka," his fingers were laced between his captors and brought down against his cheek in a soft caress. He flinched. Kicked up with everything he had and slammed them both back down again.

"I swear I don't know anything!" he screamed, eyes shut, lungs burning, coughing, begging. "I swear, please, I don't, I don't. I won't tell anyone I promise, just let me go… please, please, let me go. Please…"

The man above him pushed down, hard. His whole body forcibly shaken against the metal frame. "Iruka! Iruka! Damn it, where the hell is Tsunade!?"

"Get off of me!" he fought to open his eyes against the blinding light. Fought to remember if he really was Iruka. To remember when he had told them - how much he had told them. "Don't…"

The man above him jerked and then… Something cold, something liquid, slapped him in the face. He was wet. His skin flushed, breaking out into goose pimples as the water soaked into clothing and bedding. Strands of his own hair begun clinging to his cheeks and throat. He was Iruka. He was, he was, oh kami he was and they knew.

"Please," the man on top begged. "Please Iruka, Iruka stop!"

And he did. Every muscle in his body suddenly submissive to the voice above. That tone… that growl… He coughed, taking in gasps of water and air. He ached from head to toe. He ached in places he wasn't aware he could ache. But he was still. He was silent. He tried to blink through the pooling droplets of water.

"Ka-"

"Shh…" The man whispered, releasing one of his hands to bring up his own. He felt the water and crust from his eyes being gently wiped away. "Please, don't try and talk Baby Ru, Iruka. Your throats too raw. Just relax okay? I need you to relax."

"Kaka-" he --Iruka, he was Iruka-- ignored the others request. He had to ask, had to know, had to see that it wasn't some sort of torture induced hallucination. If he could just see, just touch the mans face, he'd know. He'd know it was real. He'd know he was home, he was safe… his body began shaking.

Hesitantly he --Iruka he reminded himself, Iruka-- reached forward, fingers brushing an unmasked face. His eyes snapped open, shutting just as harshly. Fucking light. He --Iruka-- tried again. Steady, slow blinks. His fingers trailed the line of stubbled jawbone to a scar that bisected the mans left eye. His breath caught.

He tried to focus. His eyes taking in a bush of untamed silver hair and pale, beautiful, almost translucent skin. His chest clenched. Oh gods… he was… He let out a shuddered breath, fingers curling around the others neck. "Kashi?"

"It's me, it's Kakashi, Ru…"

Iruka blinked back the patter of tears falling from his Kakashi's face, mingling with his own. His free hand shifting down the mans neck, along his collarbone, over his chest, fisting in his shirt. "Kashi…?" he asked again.

"Yes, yes, gods yes." Kakashi lent down, peppering the bridge of Iruka's nose with small barely-there kisses. "It's me Ru… it's me baby. You're safe, gods you're safe Baby Ru, Ruru…" he loosened his grip.

Iruka whimpered, his free hand joining the other on Kakashi's chest. He used what little energy he had to pull the older man back, to pull his Kakashi closer. His fingers, arms, legs, torso, every fucking thing able, trembled. He gasped through the body-wrecking sobs. It didn't matter, he was safe, he was home, he was with his Kakashi. His Kakashi, his… "Ka-" he coughed. "Kashi."

"Please, please don't talk Baby Ru," Kakashi begged. "It'll ruin your vocal cords if you do, please, please shh. Gods, you scared me. I thought… I… it's good to have you back, so good Baby Ru."

Iruka's fingers convulsed slightly, and he tightened their grip. "I'm… home?" he rasped. He had to hear it, had to hear his Kakashi say he was home. He had too. "…home?"

"Home." Kakashi grinned brilliant. Already leaning in to kiss every inch of Iruka's face. "…you're home." he whispered. "Home… safe… always…"

Iruka flinched with each press of lips. He couldn't stop himself, couldn't hide it, but Kakashi understood. He stayed ignorant of the reactions, dropping as many delicate kisses as he could. Iruka smiled, bringing a hand up to cup the mans face. His body could react however the hell it wanted so long as Kakashi never stopped.

--

Kakashi splayed his hands over each side of Iruka's face, looking deep into chocolate eyes. His fingers absently smoothing down strands of wet hair. Iruka was in there, fighting. He'd been so afraid, terrified after everything that had happened…

"Where the hell is Tsunade?" Kakashi hissed. "I asked for her five minutes ago. She needs to be here NOW, not at the nurses damn leisure!"

--

Iruka smiled up at his overprotective lover, thumb tracing the mans chapped lips. "M-missed you."

"Missed you," Kakashi repeated. "Missed you so damn much."

Iruka swallowed, mouth thick and throat tight. "A-and Na-ruto…? How… how's h-he?"

"Naruto…?" Kakashi's eyes widened. "Iruka, he…"

"He?" Iruka wiped the fresh fall of tears from Kakashi's face.

"Nothing," Kakashi's body sagged in defeat. "Nothing Baby Ru. Naruto's fine, he m-misses you too."

Iruka nodded, his brows knitting together. "Missed Konoha," he chuckled, chuckle breaking into small fits of coughing. "N-never thought…"

"Please Ruru," Kakashi begged. "Please, just, don't speak any more. Don't hurt yourself." He forced his eyes closed, just feeling the way Iruka's thumb smoothed along his bottom lip and jaw. "Please, don't speak Baby Ru."

"M-miss-missed you," Iruka whispered. "My little copy-cat." Kakashi's hands slid down Iruka's face, holding his shoulders and tightening. "Kashi," Iruka gasped. "Kashi it hurts."

"S-sorry," Kakashi stuttered letting go. "Sorry Ruru, Baby Ru, I'm sorry, I'm…"

"Hatake-san?" A firm voice pulled Kakashi from his ramblings. He looked up, a faint trace of a smile on the woman's lips. She folded her arms admirably beneath an ample cleavage. "So, he's awake?"

Kakashi bit his lip, head shaking in the negative. "He…" He hunched in on himself, shoulders shaking with barely restrained grief. "He…"

"Wait." Tsunade held up a hand. "Perhaps we could speak somewhere a little more… private." Her gaze flickered from Kakashi to Iruka. "Umino-san," she nodded. "I'll need Hatake-san for just a moment. We're not leaving, just taking a few steps over here. Is that okay with you?"

"Of course Hokage-sama!" Iruka forced the words out. A little rough around the edges but clear nonetheless. She was his Hokage and he would never question her - though he did appreciate the gesture.

Kakashi unfurled his body from Iruka's carefully, taking great pride not to jostle him in any way. Iruka smiled up at him knowingly before noticing how his Hokage seemed to keep at a distance, watching the whole ordeal as though it pained her to see both men so fragile. He frowned. How bad had things been for Kakashi that their Hokage showed concern for the both of them?

Their eyes met, and again she nodded. Iruka swallowed.

--

"Shi-kun?" Tsunade placed a hand on Kakashi's shoulder, turning them both from Iruka's view.

"Hai, Tsunade-sensei?" Kakashi briefly met her eyes before dropping his gaze to the ground.

"How was he… when he woke up?" She squeezed his shoulder, bringing his eyes back up to hers.

"Violent,' Kakashi shrugged. "Just as you said. He attacked the first person he could."

"Then I guess we're lucky you were there," she tried to smile. "Not so lucky for you though." Her fingers ghosted over a slow rising bump to his eyebrow.

Kakashi snorted.

"Look," she sighed, pulling her hand away. "You know how this works Shi-kun, so give me your first impressions."

For a moment Kakashi stayed silent, his eyes drinking in the sight of his lover sitting, talking to one of the nurses. Something he'd never thought he'd see again. "Before or after he started talking?" He turned back.

"Before."

"Violent, hints of hysteria and paranoia. Then he seemed to stabilize."

"After?"

Kakashi closed his eyes, scrubbing at them with his hands. "He…" he ran fingers through his hair. "He called Konoha home, me his copy-cat and asked - he asked about Naruto. And, well you heard, _Hokage-sama_."

"He asked about Naruto-kun?" Tsunade asked genuinely surprised. "With no uncertainty, no blacking out like last time? No post-traumatic reactions of any kind?"

"How much more of a reaction do you want?" Kakashi growled. "He… weeks. Weeks since he's been aware enough to speak and he still… he still believes… gods!" Kakashi rubbed his eyes again. "He lost his _son_ Tsunade-sensei, his only son. And now I have to watch every damn day as he lapses between reality and, and a world of ninjas and demons! How much more do you want? How much more…" Kakashi whole body shook, tears burning. "…will I lose?"

"Shi-kun," Tsunade pulled her nephew in, arms encircling protectively.

"I want my husband back Tsu-chan," he whispered against her shoulder. "I want my husband, I want my son, I want my family. I need him to be okay, I need… you said… you said he'd…" he broke off.

"I'm sorry Kakashi-kun," she held him at arms length, the heartbreak clear in his bi-coloured eyes. "I'm sorry, I know what I said and I do stand by those words. The last round of treatment gave Iruka-kun a sixty percent-"

"Sixty-seven," Kakashi corrected.

"A sixty-seven percent chance of making a full recover." Tsunade nodded. "He may still pull through, but you have to accept… he may not." Her hands tightened when Kakashi tried to step back. "No, listen to me. Physically Iruka-kun is in perfect health. Unlike yourself he suffered no life-threatening injuries from the crash. His mental stability however," she shook her head. "With the loss of Naruto-kun…"

Kakashi gripped the hands holding his shoulders tight, willing his aunt to stop. He'd heard all of this before, he didn't need to hear it again. Every day someone would tell him there was hope, but perhaps also he should prepare himself for the fact… he shook his head. He didn't need to hear it. He understood pain. He'd lost his son and husband all on the same day. He didn't need to hear it.

"If this doesn't work," he looked up hopeful. "What else is there?"

"I'm sorry Shi-kun," Tsunade apologised again. "Electrolysis therapy was our last resort."

"What does that mean?"

"You know what it means," she ran a hand down his arm, lacing her fingers with his and lightly squeezing. "You've done the courses Shi-kun, you're a medical student, you've always know what it means."

"Please," Kakashi shook his head. "Just say it. I don't… I can't… I need to hear you say it."

"If Iruka-kun doesn't start showing signs of recovery in the next two to three weeks, there is nothing else we can do for him. I'm sorry Kakashi, I truly am, but his mind may be lost." Tsunade gave his fingers another light squeeze, pulling back when he flinched.

--

"What are you doing?" Iruka's eyes shifted from his lover and his Hokage to a nurse who'd just moved up beside him. She smiled down, nervous, writing notes in his chart. After a few moments she produced a syringe from her apron and began prepping the IV bag.

Iruka's body tensed. "I asked what you were doing?"

"Giving you something to help you relax."

"I don't need any help, I'm fine." Iruka shifted.

"It's nothing to worry about Umino-san," she flicked the needle, a thin trickle of clear substance leaking from its tip. "I've been helping with your treatment for the past month. It's perfectly safe."

"M-month?" Iruka swallowed. "Tre-treatment?"

She nodded.

_Genjutsu,_ he panicked. _All this time, I thought… and they had me under a genjutsu?_

"P-please, don't."

"Umino-san," she inserted the needle.

"No!" Iruka slapped her hand away, leaping into a crouch. "Don't touch me, please, I just want to go home. I haven't done anything! Why do you keep hurting me!?" He choked, suddenly there between the too white walls and the stench of antiseptics. Of blood and death and uncontrolled bodily functions. He wasn't home, he wasn't safe… he wasn't… he wasn't…

"Iruka!" Kakashi grabbed his husband by the shoulders, hauling him from the hospital cot.

Iruka hung momentarily like so much meat before his feet touched the ground. He tried to kick, to struggle as two slender arms encircled him from behind. A head of silver hair pressed against his cheek, words of comfort whispered against his ear.

"Kakashi?" Iruka paused.

"It's okay Baby Ru," Kakashi continued. "Please, you're okay remember? Please remember Ruru, please Baby Ru…" he spun the younger man around, pools of chocolate widening at the sight of grey and red. "See," Kakashi held his lovers face between his palms. "See Ruru, it's just me…"

"Kakashi?" Iruka reached up, hands digging into the mans shoulders.

"Yeah Ru," Kakashi swiped a thumb over the scar on Iruka's right cheek. "It's me, it's me and your safe, remember? You're safe."

"Kakashi!" Iruka pounced. His legs wrapped around the older mans waist, hands fisting in the material of his shirt. "I want to go home, please, please take me home…" he begged.

Kakashi looked over his shoulder, a pleading expression for Tsunade to understand. She nodded, a brief assent to both men's requests before leaving them in peace.

"Okay, Baby Ru." Kakashi turned back to his husband, moving to sit on the bed. Iruka huddled closer. The feel of Kakashi's fingers combing through his hair; the smell of pine and dirt and dogs on his skin; the smooth sombre tone of his voice all signs he was safe.

"I'll take you home."

.

.

.

.

--

.

The parts that didn't make it, but gave the story a stronger foundation in my mind.

(If you wanna use as an AU plot, feel free!)

Kakashi and Iruka are married. Naruto was their son. There was a car crash and Naruto died. Kakashi's eye was damaged and he ended up in the hospital himself for a while. Iruka couldn't take it and ended up going crazy.

The other driver (Mizuki) had just hijacked the car he was in killing it's owner and ran down two pedestrians before smashing into the Hatake family.

Iruka used to play 'Ninja' with Naruto when he was younger. And that's where his mind has regressed too.

Naruto as a baby was given a teddy bear by one of Kakashi's friends (Itachi) and he called it Sasuke. When he was 12, he left it outside and the neighbours dog (Orochimaru) came and took it. Iruka and Naruto would chase the dog around proclaiming they'd somehow save Sasuke.

Around the same time, Iruka bought a cat (Sakura) as a birthday gift for Kakashi, but they soon discovered Kakashi was allergic to cats so they gave it to Kakashi's aunt (Tsunade).

Cameo cuteness XD I had all this extra stuff to run with, but decided in the end to keep it tight, focusing on Iruka and his craziness. Then Adding the reality of it with Kakashi at the end. I think it worked… I hope it did!

_Reviews are love._


	8. Attempt No 173

_**Summery:** This was, Naruto decided, his best idea ever. He would once and for all see beneath Kakashi-sensei's mask._

_Inspired by 100 theme challenge #23 cat. Beta'd by kakairupowns_

* * *

**Attempt #173  
Humor. PG.**  
_kakashi x iruka and naruto  
_

Naruto pawed at the door before him. This was his best idea _ever_. Why he hadn't thought of it before was beyond him. Why hadn't anyone ever thought of it before…? He pawed at the door again, secretly grinning.

Best. Idea. Ever.

--

Iruka wasn't expecting Kakashi to be home when he arrived at the mans apartment. He was, after all, notoriously late for everything. It was a quirk the chuunin had come to accept and even work around - so when he saw the post-it note, a quickly scribbled Henohenomoheji attached to the apartment door letting him know Kakashi was indeed home, asleep, and his traps were disabled… it was fair to say he felt slightly surprised.

What completely threw him off-kilter though, was the rather mangled looking ginger cat curled on the apartment doormat. It's fur was clumped together with dirt and weeds and spiked up every which way you looked, while its whiskers seemed more like battle worn scars.

It looked… pathetic.

And in desperate need of love.

He bit his lip, unsure of what to do. His first instinct were to run up and cuddle it, maybe give it a bath and some food. But he didn't want to scare it, and he wasn't sure if Kakashi even liked cats. He sighed, kneeling down a few feet away. He couldn't just leave it there.

"Hey there little one," Iruka cooed, holding out a hand. "How did you get all the way up here, huh?"

The cat's eyes blinked open. A yawn showing its admirable set of fangs before it clawed the mat, back bowing. With a slight twitch it turned curious cerulean eyes upon him.

"C'mere, puss-puss…" Iruka rubbed his fingers together, coaxing. "C'mon now."

The cat blinked a few more times before suddenly seeming to realize the human's intentions. It jumped up, tail thumping, front paws scratching at Kakashi's door.

Iruka smiled. "You wanna go in there?" He stood, hand going into his back pouch in search of keys. "…I suppose it wouldn't hurt to let you in."

For a moment the cat paused, looking up at the young sensei curiously. It's mind was a flurry of calculating thoughts, the foremost of which was whether this interruption would impede on the plan, though that was quickly knocked aside for another, suddenly more pressing issue. Why was the young sensei here? The answer to that last thought sent the cat into a glare.

Iruka found what he was looking for, smiling as he remember the night Kakashi had not so subtly attached the key to his increasing collection and declared Iruka could now visit --and sex him up-- whenever the need arose.

He looked down to comment on the hentai's antics, when he noticed the animal's intense gaze. Smiling, Iruka shook his head. He supposed he had gotten rather lost in his own thoughts.

"So you're an impatient one eh?" he commented, unlocking the door and swooping down to collect the cat before it could run in and wake up his dozing lover. "Well, how about we get you something to eat first? How does that sound?"

The cats eyes widened. Food was good. It swished it's tail happily, almost dog-like, before giving a hesitant 'mreow'.

Iruka chuckled, pushing through the entrance and tossing his keys onto the door-side drawer.

"Expressive too." He mused, ruffling the cats fur before placing it gently on the kitchen bench. "You know, you remind me of a certain blond boy…"

For it's part, the cat watched on innocently. No hint here or there that it understood nor cared.

Iruka continued shuffling quietly through cupboards for a small bowl and plate. "Maybe after we've gotten you cleaned up, you'd like to meet him? If we can't find your owner, I'm sure Naruto would love to keep you. He's always wanted a pet." Iruka sat a bowl of water down before moving off again in search of something the animal could eat. "Of course… Nekko-chan… you'd need a strong stomach for ramen."

The cat snorted.

--

Minutes later, both man and beast sat in companionable silence. Iruka mindlessly playing with the ginger-stray's tail as it heartily ate the tuna he'd put down for it.

Both stilled at the sound of someone clearing their throat.

"Kakashi-sensei…" Iruka sheepishly smiled, trying feebly to hid the cat beside him.

"Uh…" Kakashi leant against the frame of his bedroom door blessedly clad in only a pair of loose fitting slacks. A scarf covered the lower portion of his face and his hair stood at end, mussed with sleep. Not that Iruka suspected anyone besides himself could tell. "Iruka-sensei, what… is that?"

Iruka nervously chuckled under the jounins weary gaze. "It's a cat, Kakashi-sensei."

Kakashi took a few hesitant steps forward, blearily rubbing his eyes. "And it's in my apartment, why?"

"Oh. I, um, found it outside." Iruka decided to just answer and shrugged. "It looked hungry."

"You just go 'round picking up strays now?" Kakashi asked, suspicious.

"Only irresistibly handsome ones." Iruka winked, rising to meet the jounin half-way since the man still seemed completely exhausted. He eyed the pale torso for any new scars, and finding none figured it was most likely chakra depletion.

"You know," Kakashi forced his eye from the ginger menace and wrapped his arms around a very warm and blushing chuunin. "He reminds me of-"

"I know." Iruka cut in. He ran his fingers through the disarray that was Kakashi's hair. "How was your day, love?"

Behind them there was a thump, and upon turning to see the cause of said thump, both shinobi were faced with a disgruntled fur ball righting its self from it's slump on the ground.

It stared up at Iruka, eyes wide and horrified. Something akin to 'the hell you callin' that jackass _love_ for?' clearly visible. All they got, however, was a confused, "Mreow?"

"…talkative." Kakashi commented, immediately dismissing the creature and nuzzling into Iruka's neck.

"Mm…" Iruka agreed, reaching up to remove Kakashi's scarf.

Kakashi willingly let the scarf be tugged down, his head tilting just so, leaving his face hidden from the animal's view. Their lips met in a slow, lingering kiss.

"Sensei…" Kakashi pulled away, purring as he nuzzled back into the chuunin's shoulder. Very carefully he manoeuvred them towards the sofa, his knees giving out when they made contact sending both shinobi crashing down.

Laughing, Iruka straddled the jounin's waist.

Kakashi felt the cats paw swipe at his arm, it's eyes meeting his with pure feline rage. The slit cerulean pupils spoke of fire and brimstone, of torture and pain and Kakashi smiled behind the crook of Iruka's elbow, face conveniently hidden.

"…feisty too."

Very slowly Iruka tilted Kakashi's face back toward his own. Hand cupping the older mans jaw. "Eyes on the prize Kakashi-_sama_."

The cat made a somewhat strangled sound. Somewhere between a splutter, a snort, and a whimper.

Iruka gave it a curious glance, then frowned. He lent a little closer to his lover and whispered. "I don't think I can have sex while the cat watches. It's a little… weird."

"You sure?" Kakashi asked, closing the gap and stealing another sweet kiss. He nibbled the chuunin's bottom lip, delighted to know at least certain parts of Iruka's anatomy had no qualms about the feline voyeur. His brow quirked.

"Ah…" Iruka moaned, his hand fisting the sofa. "You're right. I'm good… guh… hn… Kashi." There was a breathless pause. "Really good."

Grinning, Kakashi slid his hands down his lover's back, fingers dipping past the waistband to squeeze the firm caramel ass beneath. "You need to be naked. Very… very… naked." Each word was punctuated with a hip roll. Kakashi was acutely aware of the cat beside them.

For it's part, the ginger animal shook it's head in denial, eyes wide, slowly backing away on small paws. At the next sharp intake of breath it turned, running frantically back through the kitchen and towards the front door. It slid across the floor, stopping via collision, and began a pathetic attempt to scratch the door open.

A moan filled the small apartment, and the cat mewled.

--

"Gods," Kakashi breathed huskily. "Iruuuuka!"

"Call me Sensei." Iruka demanded, hand slapping Kakashi's knee for fleshy emphasis.

Kakashi grinned at his lover, replying with an easily pleasured, "Yessss… aah… ssenseiiii!"

--

Tail swishing, ears riding low against its head, the cat gave another desperate mewl. Scratching wasn't working, and it was starting to really panic. Throwing it's whole body at the door, it thumped to the ground, hissed, and threw itself again.

--

Iruka repositioned himself, sitting opposite Kakashi at the end of his sofa. The jounin watched on with mirth-fuelled eyes, their legs tangling together comfortably, their arms and hands crossed over stomach and mouth, mimicking one another in an attempt to rein in the silent peals of laugher.

Iruka cocked a brow at his lover before looking over his shoulder. His voice directed towards the kitchen, he began moaning. "Ka… nngg… Kashi. Oh gods, pleeeease!" As an after thought, he hissed. "Yesss…"

Kakashi nodded in approval, then, holding up his hand and pointing from Iruka to himself in a silent indication to watch, he winked. Quietly he cleared his throat, all the better to extend his vocal capacity, and then closed his eyes and leant back.

"SENSEI! Ahhng… you… yes oh gods Iruka-sensei like that. Yes… fu-"

His words were cut off by an all too familiar burst of chakra and a small gust of air, before the front door was hastily pulled open and then noisily slammed shut. A flurry of footsteps could be heard as the 'cat' made its speedy getaway.

There was silence. Chuunin and jounin staring back at each other in an otherwise empty apartment. And then Kakashi lost it. Laughter roared through the complex as he completely removed his scarf and tossed it to the coffee table. "Oh gods, Ruka…"

Iruka had to hold his sides as he doubled over, small tears prickling his eyes. "I can't - I can't believe…"

"Damn brat," Kakashi took a deep breath, trying to calm himself.

Iruka snorted. "Honestly, he thought… that would work? He's sixteen… didn't Jiraiya… teach him anything… about…" Here Iruka crinkled his nose. He wanted to say 'perving', but he was trying to firmly deny the thought of Naruto doing such a thing at the onsen. "…infiltration?"

Kakashi shrugged, shifting and beckoning the chuunin to get closer once again. "Kids will be kids."

"He should know better," Iruka scooted over, snuggling into Kakashi's chest. "I just wish he'd give up on trying to de-mask you. It's getting annoying."

"Gotta say, no one's ever tried that particular technique before." Kakashi lent his head against Iruka's, fingers dusting over the younger mans facial scar. "Sharingan usually deters them."

"Don't care." Iruka pouted. He reached up, blindly tracing Kakashi's jaw line with his finger tips. "For my eyes only. Next time I'm making sure he doesn't have an escape route." After a minute of snuggling, Iruka snorted. "…little shit-head."

Kakashi couldn't argue.

--

The damn blonde dunce had been looking dour for three hours. She couldn't take it anymore! With an audible sigh, Sakura gave in to curiosity. "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothin'." Naruto replied, refusing to meet her eyes.

Sakura huffed, throwing her hands into the air. "Fine, whatever. Like I care anyway."

Scowling, Naruto stalked to the end of the bridge refusing to think about his stupid, perverted, and LATE sensei. Nor was he thinking about the way Iruka-sensei had… guh! Iruka-sensei did not do those things. Ever. With anyone. He was pure and innocent and… possibly seme? Naruto shook his head. No. He was NOT thinking about that and more importantly, he was not thinking about the perma-blush that had stained his features since yesterday's ordeal.

For the love of Ramen! Naruto's teeth ground together.

Worst. Idea. Ever.


	9. Conscience Smitten

_Disclaimer: I do not own, nor do I make any money from Naruto. All characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto._

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_**Summary:** Distinctly unpleased, Kakashi glared at the thing in his outstretched hand._

_Inspired by theme #69. Annoyance. Beta'd by Kita_the_Spaz.  
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**Conscience-Smitten**  
Humour. PG.  
Kakashi, Ninken.

_A small, rough tongue darted out and licked him._

-o-

Kakashi held the fuzzy bundle of grey and white in an outstretched hand, his disdain for the creature evident even with three quarters of his face hidden. He weighed it, arm shifting up and down, watching it's little oversized head bob in time with the movement.

Wide, azure eyes stared back up at him.

"It's a cat," he stated blandly, glancing down at all eight of his ninken. "Why?"

"Born that way." Pakkun replied gruffly, sitting back on his haunches.

Kakashi's eyebrow twitched.

"Technically, it's a kitten." Bisuke corrected, his correction proceeded by a sneeze, then a sniffle. "I think I'm allergic."

"No," Kakashi continued, deceptively calm. "Why is it _here_?"

He did not like cats.

He was _not_ a cat person.

"Well," Pakkun drawled in a familiar manner. "When a mama cat loves a papa cat—"

"Uuhei?" Kakashi snapped, his harsh reaction jolting the kitten. It mewled, claws digging into the leather of his standard ANBU gloves.

"Don't give me that look, whelp." Uuhei replied, her ears twitching as she stood her ground. "We brought the kit back because there was no other choice. She wouldn't have survived another day out in this downpour."

"So you brought it _here_?" Kakashi repeated, an annoyed frown forming beneath his mask. They'd brought a kitten into his home, violating his sanctuary, and they were expecting what? His cooperation? "This isn't a halfway house for strays."

"And what would you have done?" Uuhei shot back in a low growl. "Left her there to die?"

"Well I wouldn't—" A soft, padded paw attentively tapped his wrist. Kakashi's eye widened. He couldn't help but watch as the little feline stood on four stumpy legs, it's balance slightly off. It couldn't have been more than seven weeks old. "I wouldn't—" he tried again, only to snap his mouth shut as a small, rough tongue darted out and _licked_ him.

It. Licked. Him.

"You were saying…?" Uuhei scoffed.

"Uh," Kakashi pulled his gaze from the little fuzz-ball in his hand to the ninken by his feet. The _smug_ ninken by his feet. He scowled. "I don't know."

"Nonsense," Uuhei raised her paw and brought it down on her master's bare foot. "You'd have brought her home, and don't pretend otherwise."

Kakashi snatched his foot back, taking several steps away from the vindictive dog. "I have no idea what you mean." His gaze returned to the kitten, and with his free hand he tapped it on the head. It blinked and tried ineffectively to bat at his fingers.

"Brat…" Uuhei followed.

He continued manoeuvring around the room to get away from her, stepping over Shiba's sleeping form, and almost tripping up as he passed Pakkun. He gave the pug a baleful glare, knowing full well the little mutt had sat up like that on purpose.

Pakkun stared right back at him, unfazed.

"You'd leave a defenceless animal, feline or not, out in this storm to fend for itself?" Uuhei's nails clicked on the floorboards as she rounded on her summoner.

"Fine, no." Kakashi took two steps to his left, placing Buru's bulky form between himself and the persistent greyhound.

Buru raised his head, glanced from Kakashi to Uuhei and back to Kakashi before pushing up and relocating to the opposite side of the room.

"Hey," Kakashi protested.

His female canine sent him a toothy grin.

"Fine, you win. Okay?" he huffed, throwing one hand up in the air before marching over to the sofa chair and gracelessly flopping down. His fingers furled protectively around the kitten's torso, reluctantly protecting it as he fell. "It can stay."

"And if you'd just agreed to begin with," Pakkun trotted over to the sofa and jumped up. He circled in place three times before making himself comfortable. "You could have saved yourself—and us—the trouble."

Kakashi tugged down his mask and sighed. "What am I supposed to do with it?"

"Feed it?" Pakkun offered, the wrinkles on his face shifting as he attempted to mimic Kakashi's raised brow.

"But what?" Kakashi asked, sparing the feline a bemused glance.

Seemingly ignoring all those around it, the kitten watched in rapt attention, face scrunched up as it mewled and tried to attack the bunched material of Kakashi's mask. A tiny paw slipped from its perch on his arm, and it stumbled forward, tumbling from his hand into his lap.

Pakkun snorted. "Food."

"What _kind_ of food?" Kakashi growled. "It's too small for any of the meat cuts I have."

No one replied.

Kakashi turned back to Uuhei, arching a brow. "Well…?" he queried. She was the one who insisted he keep the thing.

Uuhei lowered her head, eyes darting to the side.

"Let me guess," Kakashi deadpanned. "You don't know."

"What do I know about felines?" Uuhei snapped irritably.

Kakashi sighed. "Anyone?"

The room remained eerily silent.

With a groan, Kakashi's shoulders slumped. "None of you know what to do with it?"

"You could always take it to Iruka-sensei's." Pakkun sent Kakashi a knowing look. "He seems to like strays."

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[end]

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If you're interested in a laugh, then head on over to my LJ and read the **Conscience-Smitten Omake!**

Warnings for general Anko-ness apply.

http:// micah-n10. livejournal .com/ 26370 .html (remember to remove the blank spaces!)


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